Sometimes my journey across this planet, this abundant and incredible Earth, is wrought with the darkness we find at the root of all things. Being willfully aware of the incredible complexity and connectedness of this system at times moves my mind into a chaotic state that feels compulsive, directionless, and hopeless. It is incredible to be a tracker of your own thoughts. Following the footprints and trails left by your brain, guided by the erratic nature of your emotional self from one extreme to the next.
Before this awareness of my ability to create my own reality, I maintained a very material and idealistic vision of myself. I paid closest attention to the aspects of myself that were in full bloom, and didn’t spend too much time evaluating the whole picture. I wanted others to see my blooms and celebrate them. To deem them the most important part of my being and harvest them to be held on their coffee tables and brought up in conversations. I wanted people to look into my flowers and not see my rotting roots or hollow stem. I didn’t want to see these things myself.
Working with the natural forces is nothing if not an eye opening revelation that brings into your heart the most holistic picture of things. You can’t look at a flower without seeing the bee, the minerals rising inside the plant, the sun and moon, or hearing the breathtaking craning of the movements of the cosmic bodies. Everything in view has a tiny, expanding field that ricochets off of fields being expressed by other beings. The world becomes a minefield of inclusion where every independent happening gets tied into the whole, woven into the pulsating fabric of this existence.
This new vantage point is incredibly thrilling. Nights are spent dreaming of the geometric patterns, the communications within the system. The intelligent design becomes mapped out in a blue print that grows more vivid and evident each day. The beauty of this world and the pain entwine and it feels like the most moving symphony you’ve ever experienced with your eyes, ears, and heart. You get lost in this place and it is blissful and overwhelming and then one day you’re looking in the mirror and you realize that this also applies to you.
There are no words I have to describe how shattering this is. I spent my whole life cultivating an image of myself. Caring about the “right” things, throwing my throbbing heart into this cause and that. The intoxicating mixture of empathy and self righteousness sending me down paths for selfish reasons my ego would not allow me to recognize. So long as I received praise, I kept going. I martyred. I aggressively loved people who did not deserve it; my home in their hollowed out self feeling comfortable and unshakeable but adding weight to their already heavy journey. My presence a sickness, cementing the inability of the individual to have their own reckoning of self. In fact, the selfish hoarding of their pain made me just as undeserving or more so.
I entered situations and felt bad for myself. I watched as my life dimmed and darkened and became more of a chore and I blamed this on others. I judged others. As I began to notice the synchronicities, read the right scripts and texts and I became more attuned to the vibrational connectivity of consciousness and soul, I felt superior to others. I would use my hatred of racism to hate racists, or sexists, or any ist that perpetrated crimes that my heart shallowly stood behind. I judged from a higher chair, a more refined chair, and this developed within me an insidious shadow.
My mind called this into my awareness from time to time. The wheel of karma would deal me a card and I would have an “Oh snap!” moment of clarity where I saw the cause and effect diagram clearly. As a spiritual student, I was brightened and emboldened further by these slaps on the wrist; it really seemed that I was getting it and on the path. These awakenings made me feel even smarter and I delighted in practicing to be humble in the presence of others. I felt special and inspired and it lead me to truly study the esoteric teachings; learning how to separate the will, the emotions, and the brain and start to use them independently.
The exercises I practiced were just little tricks that felt harmless and stimulated my curiosity and thirst for further development. I wanted to develop because I wanted to be better. I sought out this ascension to get ahead and I did not know at the time, but this is much different than seeking for the purpose of unity.
Carrying on unknowingly, expanding and contracting with the rhythms of this new found connection I had made, the energetic I was riding changed. Where there is an ebb, there is a flow. The painful illumination of my shadow was so stark and sudden; my mirrored reflection almost too much for me to take. My life played backwards and the distorted soundtrack expanded just as much as its positive mirror had in the light. I could see all of it. All of my selfish choices, my snide remarks and my insecurities made into actions. I watched as my decisions shaped my circumstances and bore witness to every negative thought and it felt like hot coals in my hands.
My pretension lay naked at the tabernacle of humiliation and I couldn’t sleep for weeks. The inside of my brain compulsively replayed and attracted negativity and I did everything I could to shake it with no success. I cried and moved through the work days as best I could, constantly haunted by these demons of my own making. Fear reigned over me and I could no longer stand in the dark; could barely even close my own eyes. My inflated ego created a type of blindness that had me walking into this new realm totally unprepared. I hated myself and entered a depression that I felt I could share with no one. I didn’t see why I needed to exist, how anyone could endure such pain, and as though my entire life had been some terrible prank.
Here in the Earthly realm, in this vast and incredible place of darkness, this is where we plant our seeds.
I wallowed and remained tormented for days upon days. I begged of my higher self and guiding forces to fix me; to make me the kind of spiritual being worthy of their love and nothing came of it. Walking the tight rope of mental health I often times felt like I had lost it; my mind, my sense of reasoning, my purpose on this Earth. The chaos of my existence peaked and the thunderstorms of Spring highlighted my inner turmoil. Questions of self worth, motivations, and integrity spun in my mind and I felt sick in my heart, my legs, and womb. The images flashing through my psyche became so corrosive that I would utter “Shhhhh,” outloud to slow them down. Over and over I repeated “Shhhhh,” but never took the advice.
One afternoon during an intense display of lightening I was meditating and the overwhelming message was, “Be Quiet. Shhhhh.” The entire rest of that day I received message after message from random places; thoughts, conversations, the whining television. I am not the self I built, but the observer of that self. I cannot hope to love and forgive others until I learn to do so for myself. I had spent all of this time crying out for answers and never once thought to stop and listen for them.
I buried my seed deep that day; the chaotic and disordered complexity of the proteins within the seed reaching a maddening state before the root was forced to exit and spur organization. My shadow, my darkness had to brew and breathe and have its own existence in the sphere of my consciousness just as much as the more obvious beneficial habits of my soul. I had to go deep within this dark forest to begin my growth upward; to shed from myself the illusions that would not allow me the proper inclination towards the forces of this Universe.
The humbling of my ego the first process towards living in unity with the source of all creation. To see myself without judgement, just as I would hope to view every circumstance I encounter on my path, and every person who comes and goes from my life. I was just as delusional believing I could climb the stairs of spiritual ascension while sitting in judgement of others as I was believing I could do so without seeing and addressing the ways that I had secretly sat in judgement of myself.
The seeds that we choose to sow in this darkness are the plants we choose to grow. Often times we push these aspects of ourselves into the unexamined corners thinking that they have gone away. We feel that if we take away these negative traits from our awareness and stick them safely below the soil, no one will ever catch glimpse of them and see our insecurities, judgements, and mistakes. What we don’t realize is that all of these seeds that we so desperately want to hide are actually planted in the extremely well developed and fertile soil of the shadow self.
Slowly but surely, we feed them, water them, do things and make choices that allow them to be nourished and fill the garden of our mind. They hide from us in plain sight, and yet those outside of us that view our gardens not only see them clearly, but also view us as we continually make decisions that nurture them. Those who we choose to interact with may not be able to identify the plants in our garden, their scientific names or country of origin, but they are visible nonetheless. The garden that we choose to see; in perpetual bloom, is but the emerald spire behind which the Wizard of Oz rests. It is not until harvest that we reap what we sow, and a pitiful harvest can still be blamed in the mind by the unpredictability of the weather.